May 9th, 2009 Roster
Matt is comprised of some of the most intelligent, hardest working, most dedicated kickballers in the entire world. They come from all over with backgrounds as varied as their tastes in underwear. They are ready for the 2009 season. They hope you are, too.
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Matt A-tat-tat Matt spent the majority of his youth as a homelessness aficionado (he was considered a front-runner in the field). It wasn’t until he joined the team and saw the light did he finally move back in with his mom. |
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Matt Atouille Matt has coined many popular expressions and phrases, including “carte blanche,” “à la carte,” “déjà vu,” “Who let the dogs out?,” and “Should doubt cross your mind, remember the four cardinal Matt secrets, and you will be at peace.” |
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Matt Butz One time in college, Matt organized a study-group-slash-militia that would later go on to become a powerful imaginary Masonic organization called Novus Ordo Seclorum. She was totally over it upon graduating. |
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Matt Daniels Matt traveled back in time and tattooed the word “Loser” in German on a young Adolf Hitler’s forehead, thereby preventing the Holocaust. |
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Matt Daniels Jr. As a child, Matt was diagnosed with a rare condition called Mattoidisis, also known as “Matt Daniels Jr. Disease.” It was only after joining the team was he able to conquer it with several basic Matt secrets, a strict wheat grass regimen, and crying. |
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Matt Dolge A highly decorated Commodore in Operation Desert Storm, Matt has applied her maritime battle strategies to the kickball field with deadly effect. |
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Matt E T Matt’s daily life is filled with confusing former-life memories of being from either the depths of the Atlantic or deep outer space. The team has been his guide to the shining light of normality and complacency. |
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Matt Fresh Matt is new age. |
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Matt Fuckin’ Hickey Matt was a heroin addict who was selling his ass for $300 a day in Tukwilla to feed his habit. Now he’s a naval architect, thanks to Matt! |
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Matt Gilliland Matt reproduces asexually, through a process called “budding.” |
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Matt Iculous Matt gave up her career in brain surgery (because it “wasn’t exactly rocket science”) and is now fully committed to kickball. |
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Matt Locke After a freak childhood accident involving an iceberg, a narwhal, and a meteorite, Matt found that her powers had been expanded to include bi-lingualism, meditation, alcohol consumption, conjuring the dead, and slapstick. |
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Matt Pixel Sometimes referred to as “Captain Matt,” Matt is the captain of the team and is rumored to know many high-level Matt secrets. Team members defer to Matt when disagreements about Matt history and mythology come up. |
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Matt Prevette It is a widely believed fact that Matt is capable of numerous illegal, immoral, and illogical crimes against nature and technology, all from the comfort of his own sofa bed. |
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Matt Roolf “Mama” Matt is the team matriarch. She birthed every team member while projecting herself astrally across some sort of plain or another. This quasi-pan-dimensional non-event coincided directly with the conceptual foundation of the team and was a surprise to no one. |
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Matt Scott the Mascot Matt spent five years of his early twenties running a summer camp for youth, then the authorities found out. Now he runs Matt’s boot camp at the same campground. |
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Matt St. Helens Little is known about this Matt. Captain Matt Pixel is still unclear if Matt is alive or even on the team this year. If you see him, please notify the authorities. |
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Matt T’adore Matt is the token French bullfighter on the team, and all expected stereotypes apply. Also, Matt Loves You. |
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Matt Talic “On the seventeenth day after the foretold event, the earth opened up and swallowed the birds, the beasts, the bugs, and the businessmen. Humanity writhed in agony. Only the Matts were spared, and it was the righteous Matt Talic who led them to victory.” - Matt 72:983 |
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Matt ~ An avid skeet-shooter, Matt was introduced to the team by by a giant, magical, half-imagined talking eagle. She has seven fingers on each hand. |
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Matt Who? Who is Matt? |
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