July 20th, 2009 Matt’s Ball Deep pre-taunt video

In the style of classic Ball Deep video taunts:

July 16th, 2009 We Sank Your Boat!

For those unfamiliar with I’m on a Boat, please watch this first to get some context:

And now, Matt’s interpretation, for the Pirates:

Feel free to read along:

[Matey!] Awww shit!
Get your kickballs ready and prepare to be boarded
All the pirates listen the fuck up
Because your motherfuckin’ boat is going down
We sinkin’ this, let’s go!

We sank your boat!
We sank your boat!
Everybody look at us cuz we sank you puny boat!
We sank your boat!
We sank your boat!
Take a good hard look at your motherfuckin’ boat!

We sank your boat, swashbucklers whatchoo think of that?
Straight already lost this taunt to Matt
Like to see you try to mock us cuz we’re usin’ Twatter
While your motherfucking boat is under water

Pirates drool, bitch, we sank you boat, fool
Drinking from closed containers as per the rule
We found your fucked up parrot and your treasure mappies
We taught this league how to taunt, you all be tauntin’ crappy

I’m countin’ doubloons from a dead man’s chest
Drinkin’ from your rum, but only the best
We ain’t Johnny Depp, we’re real as it gets
We sank your boat, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget

We sank you boat, man, it’s down there and
This ain’t no Pirates of the Caribbean
All hands were lost, your fates were sealed
We’re the taunt champs of the kickball field

Fuck you, we sank your boat, motherfucker
Fuck hooks, we got hands, swashbuckler
Taunt Champs we do our duty motherfucker
Taunt Champs we rape your booty, swashbuckler

While we got our dicks in your poop deck
Already know who we’ll pillage next
Gonna put this up on YouTube somehow
Like Pajama Party’s win, anything is possible!

Yeah, it was easy to sink your boat
We just had to poke a few holes
Justin, look at me, oh!
We knew that in every way
We’d win it all at BF Day
Believe me when I say, I fucked Danielle!

We sank your boat!
We sank your boat!
Everybody look at us cuz we sank you puny boat!
We sank your boat!
We sank your boat!
Take a good hard look at your motherfuckin’ boat!

Matey, matey
Yeah yeah yeaah

July 7th, 2009 The Secret Sauce

June 4th, 2009 Matt vs. Apron Assault Squad

The rookie team of Apron Assault Squad had an understandably shaky showing on opening day. They were tauntless and untimately winless as the day wrapped up. Thankfully, they bought both a taunt and a win to the field on Thursday, but obviously those two words did not apply to each other in the context of Matt.

Matt thoroughly trounced AAS in the taunt department, featuring them in an episode of the well-known Belgian game show “What’s Under Your Apron!” The results were not pretty.

Even less pretty was the kickball game itself, which found Matt on the losing end of AAS’s obviously superior athleticism and newly found grasp of the rules of the game.

Taunt win: MATT.

Kickball game: Epic fail.

June 2nd, 2009 Matt’s friend Keyboard Cat plays off the Apron Assault Squad!

We hope you’ve got a taunt together for Matt on Wednesday, Assault Squad!

June 2nd, 2009 wow! i’m on the 1nternet

all these buttons! clicking! kickball nerds.

this is going to be fun.

June 2nd, 2009

What does Matt taste like?

June 2nd, 2009 Your future is secure with Matt.

Matt is kickball.

Matt is the ruler of all taunts.

Matt is the future, Matt is NOW, Matt is not the past.

All shall bow before the might of Matt.

If you have read this consider yourself taunted.

June 1st, 2009 Matt vs. Holy Moly

Matt kicked off a winning taunt season against Holy Moly on WKL’s opening day.

Matt buzz was running deep all day. The recruitment booth was humming, the newly Mattified dual sound system was bumping, and the Sunshine Sparkle Cheer Squad was hotter than ever.

Rather than taunt Holy Moly, Matt chose to honor a Matt application submitted by none other than the Holy Moly captain himself, Justin. The Mattitude seemed strong in this one, and Matt was feeling particularly charitable this day, so the swearing-in ceremony was going quite well when our resident auditor noticed some irregularities with Justin’s application. It seems the application bore the signature, not of Justin, but of Science McGhee.

For shame, for shame. Justin’s membership was immediately revoked, and he returned to his team dishonored.

Taunt win: MATT.

Kickball game: Epic fail.

May 8th, 2009 Matt is Coming…

Matt may be intimidating to the other teams on the WKL. This is understandable. Here are some fun facts that you can use to prepare you for your first encounter with Matt.

• Two Matts can have children, but those children are sterile and cannot reproduce.
• If you place a statue of St. Anthony on your home’s threshold no Matts will be able to pass, unless they invite themselves in.
• While it’s commonly known the name Matthew means “gift of the Lord” it is less commonly known the shorter version, Matt, means “All Devouring Flame that Spews Eternally from the Smirking Mouth of the Norse God of Anguish.”
• If possible, avoid eye contact with any Matt you meet. A Matt’s demonry can venture across invisible strings conjured from their very eyes. It’s also just considered bad etiquette.
• A kickball injection to the face administered by Matt can significantly reduce the appearance of lines and wrinkles